some jokes for the beginning of May ;)

Via Bill Koller: An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels .
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, ‘No … not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.

 

New thief prisoner enters in his cell: “Why you put these bars on the windows?” the thief asks the warder. “Because of security…” answers the wader. “You are insane! Who will try to enter and steal something from the prison???

Via Mari Eta: Preparing for a hunt, a father took his son’s cigarettes… Until afternoon, he had already shot a dragon, 3 mermaids and 2 trolls…

 

Plus a new thought from a book of mine:

Have a nice May, everyone :)!

http://www.allanbard.blogspot.com, http://www.allanbard.wordpress.com

http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4159102-ivan-stoikov-allan-bard,

www.shelfari.com/allanbard,

http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://pinterest.com/allanbard/

Sites for social contacts – waste of time or a new wonder of the world…

There are few words that are well-known everywhere in the world. And I bet the names of the sites for social contacts like facebook, myspace, sodahead, etc are already amongst the first ten of these magical words.

Knowing and liking are two very different things, a lot of people think such sites are nothing else but a waste of time (of the worst kind at that). A friend of mine, for example, thinks that to „friend” someone at facebook or myspace, etc is just a pressing of a little, virtual button. This action couldn’t replace the „real” friendship, as so called „virtual” friends wouldn’t be so concerned about someone’s problems and mishaps and couldn’t help any of their web-pals as any of the real friends (friends with a capital F) would do…

On the other hand, many other users of these famous sites (including me) would oppose that pressing the „friending” button means much more. It doesn’t include just an agreement to let some people in your world of photos, experience, way of life, etc. It also means after that one could find enormous quantity of inspiration, some good advices, even love and lots of the eternal wisdom. The most amazing thing about the virtual friendship is that we could find all these good sides of Internet friending amongst friends all over the world, discovering the vast fields of knowledge about other cultures, customs, way of life, way of thinking, etc. As a reply to all the guys who cannot stand the sight of the social sites, I would like to remind a short scene of the well-made animation Cloudy, With a Chance Of Meatballs. It was at the end of the movie, where the father of the main character had to use his son’s useful thought-reading device to say all the good things about love and appreciation he felt, which he couldn’t utter aloud in the presence of his talented but absent-minded heir. That’s what sites for social contacts could do too, posting some notes with our secret and peculiar, yet good speculations, showing some of the amazing photos we made, updating our status with thoughts that reveal our true selves would be the perfect way to tell anyone our true feelings and reveal our true character… Oftentimes, it’s a much better way to find real friends, so called friends with a capital F, as in real life we usually couldn’t say the things that inspire and trouble us so well as using the benefits of a site for social contacts.

My personal experience proves that every word of the above statements is true. Actually, I started using sites like facebook, sodahead, etc as a way for marketing of my book/s. This was what my publisher suggested, yet soon I discovered such sites were a perfect tool for finding good friends all over the world, the truth behind world news, the funny side behind most of the world events, the great realm of the useful tips and advices many virtual friends could offer, etc. It turned out that the knowledge of some of my vurtual friends surpassed a lot what my so called „real” friends coud let me know. For example, no one of my pals from the real world could explain to me the basic rules for surfing the big sea waves with the elegant surfing boards. Soon after I became a daily user of the famous sites, I realized they could be used as a combination of the best news publications and tv news programs, as at facebook or myspace one could see the reality behind the well-presented strive for power and money of the „higher” class, or the real cause for many horrible events. That way, sites for social contacts could become irreplaceable when the matter at hand is the best choice in elections, the wise decisions to be made for home repairing, healthcare, fitness, pet raising, etc.

My father (and many other older people too, I guess) claims that the young of today don’t know how to have real fun, staying all day long at their laptops and computers, forgetting the wonders of the real world. BTW, he couldn’t distinguish a stie from an e-mail address, but it’s not an obstacle for him to say at the time of his youth times were totally different (the sun shone brighter, people knew how to have real fun, visitng one another’s places, dancing in the villages’ squares every weekend and holiday, signing the old, country songs that have nothing in common with today’s „crap” texts and melodies, etc). Yet, what people like my father would probably never realize is the wonders that modern world offers are not less wonderful and magnificent than what men and women in the past times could experience. The benefits of sites for social contacts (finding friends, wisdom, good tips, inspiration, true facts behind the news, etc) are just one small part of the present time, indeed. However, they all are good enough to be amongst top ten of the most used words of today.

http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://pinterest.com/allanbard/

http://www.allanbard.blogspot.com, http://www.allanbard.wordpress.com

Happy 1st April, everyone ;)! Some jokes to make you feel better if you’ve been fooled…

If a young lady can pick up 2 kg of whortleberries for a day in the woods, and a young boy could pick up 3 kg of whortleberries for the same time, then it doesn’t mean that if they both go to the forest at the same time they would pick up 5 kg of whortleberries for a day…

 

A teacher asked a student to name a few animals, starting at 2 and then increasing the number of the species by one: “Lion and…” said the first.

“Lion, tiger and…” said the 2nd.

“Lion, tiger, rabbit and…” said the 3rd.

“Two lions, two tigers and a rabbit…” said the 4th.

 

 A train was quite crowded and a U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat,

but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle aged French woman’s poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, “Ma’am may I have that seat”?
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular “Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat”.
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
Please Ma’am, may I sit down, I’m very tired?. She snorted, “Not only are you Americans rude you are also arrogant”.
This time the Marine didn’t say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.
The woman shrieked “Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!”
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. “Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.”
“You hold your fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. You drink your beer cold.

“And now Sir you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window..  

 

To blame the majority for the sins of a few is as wise as blaming the passengers for the driver’s mistakes. my future Origin Of Gods.

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http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4159102-ivan-stoikov-allan-bard, www.shelfari.com/allanbard,   

 http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://pinterest.com/allanbard/

some jokes for the beginning of spring-time :)

Wish you a nice spring-time, everyone :)!

via Mari Eta: It’s not shameful for a man to cry… It’s shameful when his make-up is washed out…

 

Via Sanjay Shukla: INDIA:HEAVEN ON EARTH:
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the World.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to China.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he Noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read ‘$10,000 per call’.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what The telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Japan. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the Same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in China and
He asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000
He Could talk to God.

‘ O.K., thank you,’ said the American.

He then traveled to Pakistan, Srilanka, Russia, Germany and France …

In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same ‘$10,000 Per call’ sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to up to India to See if Indians had the same phone.

He arrived in India , and again, in the first church he entered, there
Was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read

‘One
Rupee per call.’

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
‘Father, I’ve traveled all over World and I’ve seen this same golden Telephone in many churches. I’m told that it is a direct line to Heaven, But in the US the price was $10,000 per call.

Why is it so cheap here?’ The priest smiled and answered, ‘You’re in India now, Son – it’s a Local Call’.This is the only heaven on the Earth. 
KEEP SMILING 
If you are proud to be an Indian pass this on!!!

Via Mari Eta: Never wrap a GMO fish in a newspaper… The GMO bastard fills in the crossword puzzle…

 

And my usual quote/thought from some of my writings:

(Oftentimes) the best way toward courage is knowledge… from my Lake Mystery.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://pinterest.com/allanbard/

http://www.allanbard.blogspot.com, http://www.allanbard.wordpress.com

http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4159102-ivan-stoikov-allan-bard, www.shelfari.com/allanbard

some jokes before Christmas Eve. Merry Christmas, everyone! Best wishes!

The Hobbit 2, The Desolation Of Smaug – a good reason to get a 3D TV…

“Welcome to the world of your childhood dreams!” This should be the greeting the agents/ushers in the movie saloons should say to all who go to see the 2nd part of one of the most famous fairy-tales…  And this greeting won’t be exaggerated as the movie is so magnificently well-made that one feels like a part of the fairy-tale itself…

 

Despite all the incredible, though extremely dangerous, adventures of the thirteen dwarves, the wise wizard and the young hobbit, the amazing special effects and the great costumes, the next part of the faity-tale would probably disappoint some of Tolkien’s fans when they find out it has little in common with the book. Yet, I guess when they see the amazing way the director and the other creators of the movie revived the story, they all would be in awe of all the dangers, well-developed dialogues, the incredible creatures, etc…

 

Contrary to the book, the new part of The Hobbit is not for kids again, even more than the 1^st An Unexpected Journey. It’s much darker and more serious than the fairy-tale written on paper, with some new characters that were not present in the book, with a lot of new scenes and events, which were just mentioned but not described in J. R. Tolkien masterpiece (like the meeting with Sauron’s spirit and his subordinates, the events that lead to Thorin’s nickname, etc). A lot of the well-known adventures are developed to such an extent that at moments one feels that it’s a totally new story. But all that is so well-combined with the rest of the movie it makes it worthy of more admiration.

 

The new characters (not mentioned in the book) are so well created that they all become an essential part of all the dangerous and incredible adventures. I bet even the author would like the excellent fighter, the she-elf Tauriel (the great-looking Evangelyn Lily, a star from Lost) and her impossible love with the dwarf Kily, the dreadful white orc Azog and his incredible strength and ability to endure the constant pain of the prosthesis stuck in his cut arm, etc… Not to mention the many battle scenes that are so well-created they are almost impossible to achive in real life.

 

When all these details are combined with the 3 D motion picture, the experience in the movie salons becomes a dream come true… After all those complains about 3 D effects that tire our eyes, I would say The Hobbit would be a good reason to buy a 3 D TV set. Watching such movies at home could be accompanied with some rests from time to time and we could enjoy all the magnificence of the genre without being afraid about our eyesight so much?

 

Finally, I would like to point out that both the parts of The Hobbit’s movies are not for kids. There are too many and too vicious battle scenes and merciless killings, so I guess a lot of the younger fans would have sleep trouble after 2,30 – 2,40 hours spent at the movie salon…   

 

 

 

 

 

http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://pinterest.com/allanbard/

http://www.allanbard.blogspot.com, http://www.allanbard.wordpress.com

The Dark Path, by Luke Romyn – a breath-taking story about a modern Apocalypse, the most horrible ancient cult, the deadliest assassin and the kindest “light bearer”.

 

Some people say: Bad luck often brings good luck, or: Only a thief could catch a thief, others that only light could destroy darkness… Yet, Luke Romyn’s book is certain prove about the truth in both sentences.

The modern story about the saving of a new messiah from an ancient and disgusting cult contains so many vivid descriptions of horrible killings, bloody scenes of mafia and assassins’ wars, hatred and will to destroy all the sacred and kind in life, that many readers would definetly have nightmares after turning over some of the pages. Many of them will be convinced that only the evil deeds would deal with the dreadful way of the murderers and their bosses to earn their living and satisfy their striving for power. Evil is the best tool against the horrors done by any bad characters and kings of the crime realm, they would say, pointing out that the most dreadful assasin was the one who actually saved the young messiah from his inevitable doom. Others would remember the glorious power of the good intentions, triumphing over the most powerful weapon of Satan and would claim there’s nothing that could beat the kind thoughts and wise decisions…

The breath-taking adventures of the messiah-kid and his protector, the ex-good cop and present dreadful assasin, are described by an excellent style. Usually, stories written in English have to contain short sentences, dividing those with more words to a couple of separate lines. Yet, that way the style changes and the events and thoughts described by an author become something different… Luke Romyn’s writing, however, has long enough sentences with all the necessary adjectives, verbs, descriptions, etc. to make his story more breath-taking, interesting, and even with some touch of the ancient fairy-tales, according to my opinion. His imagination is as good as his writing skills and I guess everyone would enjoy all the adventures of the main characters, trying to escape the dreadful chasers of the most evil cult and their many cunning traps.

However, The Dark Path is not just a new story about merciless killings and evil, religious fanatics’s plans. Amongst all the bloody scenes and supernatural creatures, the author included some amazing philosophy, revealing the importance to do good and what the world would look like with a real balance between all the nations. Because of the author’s way to reveal his thoughts and imagination, many, if not all, of the non-believers would reconsider their attitude towards Bible and religious teachings at the end of the book. I guess that, together with the great writing style, would make those who don’t like to read and prefer to watch movies based on books instead to become better book lovers. Besides, reading the story, everyone would discover the great experience to „see” and „feel” such details which could be hard to notice watching a movie, no matter what good special effects its creators included. The description of hell, for example, is so vivid and horribly awesome that it could send cold shivers even down the spines of the toughest readers and horror genre’s fans. For some others, it could turn out to be a mirror for their deepest and most dreadful fears… I guess a hell where the devil’s a woman could surpass the wildest fantasies or nightmares…

Despite the author’s breath-taking way to put to words the gripping adventures of his characters, some book-lovers would admit The Dark Path is naïve at some moments (though I would say that’s a part of its beauty too, aren’t we all at least a bit tired of all the “meaningful” reality?). They would probably add that the end is too sudden and incomplete (and that’s the only thing in the book I don’t like too), yet it seems it’s just the author’s way to make the “passage” to his next stories smooth enough…    

No matter how good Luke Romyn is at describing horrors and ever-lasting philosophy, his skills in humour and jokes are amazing too. His facebook page and site are full of evidences for that: https://www.facebook.com/luke.romyn?fref=ts. Though the author prefers to write dreadful mysteries like The Dark Path, I guess if more people ask him to combine his funny thoughts in a story or two (or include them in some of his other works), he would create some new, even more amazing books, with a perfect balance between fun and seriousness. Good luck in the future, my fb friend, Luke Romyn! Let the wonderful noise of the sea always sounds in your ears! (as my water dragons’ hunters would greet).  

 

 

 

http://www.allanbard.blogspot.com, http://www.allanbard.wordpress.com

http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://pinterest.com/allanbard/

  

 

some jokes for the weekend :)

In Bulgaria they say you cannot carry 2 water melons under one armpit (sorry, can’t remember the English version :). Yet, as some of my characters say: If we use all the opportunities, then even the laws of nature wouldn’t be an obstacle… That’s why I guess even in the most tense times (as happened to me recently, so I could not post regularly at my blog/s) one could find a solution to fulfill his/her tasks… Hope some of these jokes/anecdotes I will re post will make anyone’s weekend better :):

via Rose Smith: The Toughest Man In The Bar.A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: “I went by your grandma’s house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!” The biker looks at him and doesn’t say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: “I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!” The biker’s buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says Nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, “I’ll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!” At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says…

“Grandpa,……. Go home, you’re drunk.” 

 

Via Rose Smith: If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Via Rose Smith: A husband and wife are having dinner at a fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, “Who the hell was that?”

“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.””Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce.”

“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage, and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.”

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. “Who’s that woman with Jim?” asks the wife.

“That’s his mistress,” says her husband.

“Ours is prettier,” she replies.

 

  If the morning is wiser than the evening, then an evening could be funnier, crazier, much more interesting, much more magnificent, way more awesome or glorious than any morning hour, minute moment, or second… from my future Space Hide & Seek.

 

http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://pinterest.com/allanbard/

www.allanbard.blogspot.com

http://www.flickr.com/photos/allanbard/,

http://www.allanbard.wordpress.com

 

jokes for the beginning of the new week and the end of weekend ;).

Some of the bad consequences of being too busy with many different errands is that one could hardly post at his/her blog… Yet, there is always a light in the end of tunnel – to deal with every task/errnad seems not so hard at moments, if only we organize our time well :)….

Two passengers are traveling in a train and the one looks at the other from top to toe. Finally, he says:

“It seems, you look just like my wife, if I just ignore the mustache…”

“But I don’t wear a mustache?” says the other.

“Yes, you don’t… But my wife wears one…”

Via Joe O’Connell: a little boy in the drugstore with his dad, suddenly creates a fuss, he wants a chocolate Easter Bunny. finally his father gives him one but the boy has a temper storm. he wants a male Easter bunny. the druggist and the father try to tell the boy it doesn’t make any difference, with that the boy holds up his little finger, and says there’s that much more chocolate…

 

What’s the last thing to go through a bug’s mind when it hits your windshield? It’s asshole.

Evolution could be a crazy thing sometimes – it could create people who could be so narrow-minded to like and love only one book, movie, idea, song… from my future Space Ghosts.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://pinterest.com/allanbard/

http://www.allanbard.blogspot.com, http://www.allanbard.wordpress.com

http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4159102-ivan-stoikov-allan-bard, www.shelfari.com/allanbard,   

some jokes for the new week…:)

Hope my new dose of jokes will help many people start a good week 🙂

Via Georgi Chase: “Why can’t you play games in the jungle?

Because there’s always gonna be a cheetah..”

 A few priests complain to one another: “I have so  many rats in my church…” says the 1st. “I tried to chase them away with poison but it didn’t work at all…”

“There are even more in my church too,” sighs the 2nd. “I tried to set them on fire but they are still there…”

“Well, I tried your methods too,” says the 3rd. “And when they didn’t work either, I just made them my parishioners… So, now they are nowhere to be seen in my church…”

And some interesting facts some guys would consider funny, but I guess the 2nd one is scary too: Via Sanjay Shukla: FACT-FILE:Only 8% of the world’s currency exists as physical cash, the rest is electronic….!FACT-FILE:The average billionaire spends $25 million a year on food and entertainment, enough to feed 70,000 hungry people for a year…..!!! 

 

The balance between good and evil in some people is destroyed to such an extent that they need to hate something or someone all the time. my future Incredible Future.

 http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://pinterest.com/allanbard/

http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/ivanstoikov.allanbard, http:// http://www.allanbard.blogspot.com, http://www.allanbard.wordpress.com

http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4159102-ivan-stoikov-allan-bard, www.shelfari.com/allanbard