Posts Tagged ‘funny’

Happy 1st April, everyone ;)! Some jokes to make you feel better if you’ve been fooled…

April 2, 2014

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If a young lady can pick up 2 kg of whortleberries for a day in the woods, and a young boy could pick up 3 kg of whortleberries for the same time, then it doesn’t mean that if they both go to the forest at the same time they would pick up 5 kg of whortleberries for a day…

 

A teacher asked a student to name a few animals, starting at 2 and then increasing the number of the species by one: “Lion and…” said the first.

“Lion, tiger and…” said the 2nd.

“Lion, tiger, rabbit and…” said the 3rd.

“Two lions, two tigers and a rabbit…” said the 4th.

 

 A train was quite crowded and a U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat,

but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle aged French woman’s poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, “Ma’am may I have that seat”?
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular “Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat”.
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
Please Ma’am, may I sit down, I’m very tired?. She snorted, “Not only are you Americans rude you are also arrogant”.
This time the Marine didn’t say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.
The woman shrieked “Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!”
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. “Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.”
“You hold your fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. You drink your beer cold.

“And now Sir you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window..  

 

To blame the majority for the sins of a few is as wise as blaming the passengers for the driver’s mistakes. my future Origin Of Gods.

http://www.allanbard.blogspot.com, http://www.allanbard.wordpress.com

http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4159102-ivan-stoikov-allan-bardwww.shelfari.com/allanbard,   

 http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.comhttp://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://pinterest.com/allanbard/

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some jokes for the beginning of spring-time :)

March 24, 2014

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Wish you a nice spring-time, everyone :)!

via Mari Eta: It’s not shameful for a man to cry… It’s shameful when his make-up is washed out…

 

Via Sanjay Shukla: INDIA:HEAVEN ON EARTH:
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the World.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to China.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he Noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read ‘$10,000 per call’.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what The telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Japan. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the Same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in China and
He asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000
He Could talk to God.

‘ O.K., thank you,’ said the American.

He then traveled to Pakistan, Srilanka, Russia, Germany and France …

In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same ‘$10,000 Per call’ sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to up to India to See if Indians had the same phone.

He arrived in India , and again, in the first church he entered, there
Was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read

‘One
Rupee per call.’

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
‘Father, I’ve traveled all over World and I’ve seen this same golden Telephone in many churches. I’m told that it is a direct line to Heaven, But in the US the price was $10,000 per call.

Why is it so cheap here?’ The priest smiled and answered, ‘You’re in India now, Son – it’s a Local Call’.This is the only heaven on the Earth. 
KEEP SMILING 
If you are proud to be an Indian pass this on!!!

Via Mari Eta: Never wrap a GMO fish in a newspaper… The GMO bastard fills in the crossword puzzle…

 

And my usual quote/thought from some of my writings:

(Oftentimes) the best way toward courage is knowledge… from my Lake Mystery.

 http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.comhttp://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://pinterest.com/allanbard/

http://www.allanbard.blogspot.com, http://www.allanbard.wordpress.com

http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4159102-ivan-stoikov-allan-bardwww.shelfari.com/allanbard

some jokes before Christmas Eve. Merry Christmas, everyone! Best wishes!

December 25, 2013

(more…)

some jokes for the weekend :)

October 26, 2013

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In Bulgaria they say you cannot carry 2 water melons under one armpit (sorry, can’t remember the English version :). Yet, as some of my characters say: If we use all the opportunities, then even the laws of nature wouldn’t be an obstacle… That’s why I guess even in the most tense times (as happened to me recently, so I could not post regularly at my blog/s) one could find a solution to fulfill his/her tasks… Hope some of these jokes/anecdotes I will re post will make anyone’s weekend better :):

via Rose Smith: The Toughest Man In The Bar.A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: “I went by your grandma’s house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!” The biker looks at him and doesn’t say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: “I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!” The biker’s buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says Nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, “I’ll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!” At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says…

“Grandpa,……. Go home, you’re drunk.” 
 
Via Rose SmithIf electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Via Rose SmithA husband and wife are having dinner at a fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, “Who the hell was that?”

“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.””Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce.”

“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage, and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.”

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. “Who’s that woman with Jim?” asks the wife.

“That’s his mistress,” says her husband.

“Ours is prettier,” she replies.

 
  If the morning is wiser than the evening, then an evening could be funnier, crazier, much more interesting, much more magnificent, way more awesome or glorious than any morning hour, minute moment, or second… from my future Space Hide & Seek.
 

http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.comhttp://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://pinterest.com/allanbard/

www.allanbard.blogspot.com

http://www.flickr.com/photos/allanbard/,

http://www.allanbard.wordpress.com

 

jokes for the beginning of the new week and the end of weekend ;).

July 1, 2013

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Some of the bad consequences of being too busy with many different errands is that one could hardly post at his/her blog… Yet, there is always a light in the end of tunnel – to deal with every task/errnad seems not so hard at moments, if only we organize our time well :)….

Two passengers are traveling in a train and the one looks at the other from top to toe. Finally, he says:

“It seems, you look just like my wife, if I just ignore the mustache…”

“But I don’t wear a mustache?” says the other.

“Yes, you don’t… But my wife wears one…”

Via Joe O’Connell: a little boy in the drugstore with his dad, suddenly creates a fuss, he wants a chocolate Easter Bunny. finally his father gives him one but the boy has a temper storm. he wants a male Easter bunny. the druggist and the father try to tell the boy it doesn’t make any difference, with that the boy holds up his little finger, and says there’s that much more chocolate…

 

What’s the last thing to go through a bug’s mind when it hits your windshield? It’s asshole.

Evolution could be a crazy thing sometimes – it could create people who could be so narrow-minded to like and love only one book, movie, idea, song… from my future Space Ghosts.

 http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://pinterest.com/allanbard/

http://www.allanbard.blogspot.com, http://www.allanbard.wordpress.com

http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4159102-ivan-stoikov-allan-bard, www.shelfari.com/allanbard,   

some jokes for the new week…:)

June 4, 2013
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Hope my new dose of jokes will help many people start a good week 🙂
Via Georgi Chase: “Why can’t you play games in the jungle?

Because there’s always gonna be a cheetah..”

 A few priests complain to one another: “I have so  many rats in my church…” says the 1st. “I tried to chase them away with poison but it didn’t work at all…”
“There are even more in my church too,” sighs the 2nd. “I tried to set them on fire but they are still there…”
“Well, I tried your methods too,” says the 3rd. “And when they didn’t work either, I just made them my parishioners… So, now they are nowhere to be seen in my church…”
And some interesting facts some guys would consider funny, but I guess the 2nd one is scary too: Via Sanjay Shukla: FACT-FILE:Only 8% of the world’s currency exists as physical cash, the rest is electronic….!FACT-FILE:The average billionaire spends $25 million a year on food and entertainment, enough to feed 70,000 hungry people for a year…..!!! 
 
The balance between good and evil in some people is destroyed to such an extent that they need to hate something or someone all the time. my future Incredible Future.

 http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://pinterest.com/allanbard/

http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/ivanstoikov.allanbard, http:// http://www.allanbard.blogspot.com, http://www.allanbard.wordpress.com

http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4159102-ivan-stoikov-allan-bard, www.shelfari.com/allanbard

weekend jokes…;)

May 11, 2013
ImageVia Rose Smith: Two rednecks were looking at a
Sears catalog and admiring the models. One says to the other,
‘Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?’
The second one replies, ‘Yes, they are very beautiful.
And look at the price!’

The first one says, with wide eyes, ‘Wow, they aren’t very expensive.
At this price, I’m buying one.’
The second one smiles and pats him on the back.
‘Good idea! Order one and if she’s as beautiful
as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.’

Three weeks later,
the youngest redneck asks his friend,
‘Did you ever receive the girl you ordered
from the Sears catalog?’

The second redneck replies……
‘No, but it shouldn’t be long now.
I got her clothes yesterday!’

Between sportsmen: “Why you didn’t take your 1st place when you had to receive your medal after you won the competition?” “I’m afraid of heights…”
 What is the expression sharks love to hear from us, people? “Man over board…”
And my crazy quote/thought from a book of mine: Looking at the ground could be the best way to find the best things from the sky…. my Space Hide & Seek/Space Ghosts.

http://www.allanbard.blogspot.com, http://www.allanbard.wordpress.com

http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4159102-ivan-stoikov-allan-bard, www.shelfari.com/allanbard,   

 http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://pinterest.com/allanbard/

Some interesting & important facts about animals and plants.

May 4, 2013

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One of the basic rules of articles/posts/notes’ writing is that no author should write that way so that the potential readers would feel stupid and incompetent. Probably some people would be offended by this post/note of mine (if it shows their ignorance), but I hope even they would agree such info could help anyone to discover the wonders of our world, to correct some mistakes many of us do all the time, to change our opinion about the “nasty” or “scary” creatures we come across every day. Being graduated in biology, I couldn’t refrain from posting some of these facts, in brief (I use many similar in some of my books too):

Plants are living beings, so they do breathe as all the animals, though they “inhale” oxygen mostly in the daytime, and “exhale” carbon dioxide in the night.

Chickens are the most common birds in the world, not pigeons or sparrows, we could find them on almost every continent, not in the coldest places only.

Whales and dolphins are not fish, they are mammals and breathe air like every other terrestrial beings. The easiest way to distinguish such sea mammals from fish would be to have a look at their tails. All the modern sea mammals have horizontal tails, which are a perfect tool to dive and come out to the surface to breathe air. Fish’s tails are vertical.

To cut a worm in two pieces doesn’t make two worms, though the creature regenerates. The part with the end regenerates an end where it is cut, so soon after that it could not do all the vital things which keep it alive.

Just because crocodiles live most of the time in water doesn’t make them amphibians. They are reptiles, terrestrial beings that like water. The best way to find out which element of nature is primal for any species is to see where that species breed (so, crocodiles are terrestrial, frogs are amphibian).

Spiders are not insects, thought they are close-related. Insects are at a higher state of evolution, they have 6 legs, spiders have 8.

Birds hate to be touched and caressed, as that way we usually ruffle their feathers (it takes a lot of time to set them right, it seems). Yet, they all like to be touched and caressed on the head, there and then the feeling is similar to the one they feel when they scratch their heads with their claws.

 Plesiosaurs and pterodactyls are not dinosaurs, they belong to different groups, which are close to that of dinosaurs, yet not exactly the same.

The adult moths don’t eat our clothes, they don’t have a mouth or any digestive tract, their larvae are the ones who we have to blame…

All the mosquitoes that bite us and carry all those awful deceases are females; males eat nectar from flowers… etc.

 

http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://pinterest.com/allanbard/

http://www.allanbard.blogspot.com, http://www.allanbard.wordpress.com

http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4159102-ivan-stoikov-allan-bard, www.shelfari.com/allanbard,   

jokes after the middle of the week and before the weekend…;)

April 25, 2013

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“We threw a lot of eggs at the politicians at the yesterday’s meeting…”

“But I’ve heard there were a lot of applause?”

“That was only when the eggs hit them…”

When they asked some teachers to name three reasons why they like their job, they all answered: “June, July and August…”

“Now what’s your excuse?” asked a teacher a schoolboy who was late for school again.

“I saw a lady who lost 100 $…”

“Oh, and you helped her to find them?”

“Not exactly… I stepped and stood on them until she left…”

What is trash for some people, maybe gold for others… from my future Incredible Future :). Have a nice rest of the week, everyone!

http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://pinterest.com/allanbard/

http://www.allanbard.blogspot.com, http://www.allanbard.wordpress.com

http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4159102-ivan-stoikov-allan-bard, www.shelfari.com/allanbard,   

Can worst criminals become sane and carrying people?

April 21, 2013

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All our history is checkered with disgusting crimes of murder, torture, rapes, etc. That’s why some of the killers and criminals responsible for these dreadful events became so famous with their illegal actions that probably many real celebrities envied them for their notoriety.

On the other hand, a lot of other innocent men, women and children, who experienced such crimes, couldn’t sleep well for week, years, or until the end of their days because of these vile acts (if they survived the worst criminals’ way to earn their living). Most of these victims would always claim the disgusting people who caused them so much trouble and pain must endure the most severe punishments. The poor sufferers would underline the guilty for their inevitable situation deserve such a fate, no matter whether they repented themselves of their previous sins or of what made them ruin many innocent citizens and villagers’ future. Of course, after the horrible events from their past, the innocent victims have every right to think that way (criminals like the pedophile who a couple of years ago raped and after that killed a six year old girl in Bulgaria deserve the nastiest, most extreme and merciless end). Yet, it doesn’t mean many of the sentenced criminals couldn’t regret for their dreadful crimes in the future. Of course, this shouldn’t be considered a good excuse for the total remission of their sins and punishments. Though it should take its place amongst the reasons why, if not all, then many (or most) of the horrible gangsters and murderers could really change their frame of mind, behaviour, way of life, etc for better…

Deep down even the most hardened criminal is starving for the same thing that motivates the innocent baby: Love and acceptance.”This quote of Lily Fairchilde made me become more wrapped in this subject and remember some details about some of the horrible outlaws’ past and deeds. The same details probably helped the one who said this sentence to realize the truth in such a statement. Many of the sentenced or still free criminals have good families, carrying wives, children who have the best education possible, their friends enjoy many benefits such not-perfect but wealthy persons could offer, etc… I guess people who have kind thoughts like these together with the enormous striving for the so called “greatness” in the crimes’ world are capable of turning into something like decent human beings? If the will is there on their part, of course…

It’s a well-known fact that every fact (scientific or any other) and rule have their exceptions. So, there certainly are such gangsters and all other types of criminals (including politicians) who wouldn’t change their behaviour and way of life even for all the gold in the world. If there is such an offer, I even bet some of them would gladly take the enormous quantity of precious metal and would continue with their disgusting deeds, even more than before (when Al Capone was killing people for example, he had such a brain waves’ picture as the vicious predators in the animal world when they try to “earn their living”… Probably only death could put an end to such a way of thinking and life…).

The subject of the changes that the worst criminals could go through is so vast that anyone could write a novel about it I guess. But a blog post/note like this should just point out some basic facts and details and leave enough space for comments? Which complete the author’s thoughts and opinion?

http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://pinterest.com/allanbard/

http://www.allanbard.blogspot.com, http://www.allanbard.wordpress.com

http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4159102-ivan-stoikov-allan-bard, www.shelfari.com/allanbard