some jokes for the beginning of May ;)

Via Bill Koller: An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels .
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, ‘No … not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.

 

New thief prisoner enters in his cell: “Why you put these bars on the windows?” the thief asks the warder. “Because of security…” answers the wader. “You are insane! Who will try to enter and steal something from the prison???

Via Mari Eta: Preparing for a hunt, a father took his son’s cigarettes… Until afternoon, he had already shot a dragon, 3 mermaids and 2 trolls…

 

Plus a new thought from a book of mine:

Have a nice May, everyone :)!

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http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4159102-ivan-stoikov-allan-bard,

www.shelfari.com/allanbard,

http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://pinterest.com/allanbard/

some jokes for the weekend :)

In Bulgaria they say you cannot carry 2 water melons under one armpit (sorry, can’t remember the English version :). Yet, as some of my characters say: If we use all the opportunities, then even the laws of nature wouldn’t be an obstacle… That’s why I guess even in the most tense times (as happened to me recently, so I could not post regularly at my blog/s) one could find a solution to fulfill his/her tasks… Hope some of these jokes/anecdotes I will re post will make anyone’s weekend better :):

via Rose Smith: The Toughest Man In The Bar.A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: “I went by your grandma’s house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!” The biker looks at him and doesn’t say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: “I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!” The biker’s buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says Nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, “I’ll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!” At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says…

“Grandpa,……. Go home, you’re drunk.” 

 

Via Rose Smith: If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Via Rose Smith: A husband and wife are having dinner at a fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, “Who the hell was that?”

“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.””Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce.”

“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage, and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.”

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. “Who’s that woman with Jim?” asks the wife.

“That’s his mistress,” says her husband.

“Ours is prettier,” she replies.

 

  If the morning is wiser than the evening, then an evening could be funnier, crazier, much more interesting, much more magnificent, way more awesome or glorious than any morning hour, minute moment, or second… from my future Space Hide & Seek.

 

http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://pinterest.com/allanbard/

www.allanbard.blogspot.com

http://www.flickr.com/photos/allanbard/,

http://www.allanbard.wordpress.com

 

jokes for the beginning of the new week and the end of weekend ;).

Some of the bad consequences of being too busy with many different errands is that one could hardly post at his/her blog… Yet, there is always a light in the end of tunnel – to deal with every task/errnad seems not so hard at moments, if only we organize our time well :)….

Two passengers are traveling in a train and the one looks at the other from top to toe. Finally, he says:

“It seems, you look just like my wife, if I just ignore the mustache…”

“But I don’t wear a mustache?” says the other.

“Yes, you don’t… But my wife wears one…”

Via Joe O’Connell: a little boy in the drugstore with his dad, suddenly creates a fuss, he wants a chocolate Easter Bunny. finally his father gives him one but the boy has a temper storm. he wants a male Easter bunny. the druggist and the father try to tell the boy it doesn’t make any difference, with that the boy holds up his little finger, and says there’s that much more chocolate…

 

What’s the last thing to go through a bug’s mind when it hits your windshield? It’s asshole.

Evolution could be a crazy thing sometimes – it could create people who could be so narrow-minded to like and love only one book, movie, idea, song… from my future Space Ghosts.

 http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://pinterest.com/allanbard/

http://www.allanbard.blogspot.com, http://www.allanbard.wordpress.com

http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4159102-ivan-stoikov-allan-bard, www.shelfari.com/allanbard,   

some jokes for the new week…:)

Hope my new dose of jokes will help many people start a good week 🙂

Via Georgi Chase: “Why can’t you play games in the jungle?

Because there’s always gonna be a cheetah..”

 A few priests complain to one another: “I have so  many rats in my church…” says the 1st. “I tried to chase them away with poison but it didn’t work at all…”

“There are even more in my church too,” sighs the 2nd. “I tried to set them on fire but they are still there…”

“Well, I tried your methods too,” says the 3rd. “And when they didn’t work either, I just made them my parishioners… So, now they are nowhere to be seen in my church…”

And some interesting facts some guys would consider funny, but I guess the 2nd one is scary too: Via Sanjay Shukla: FACT-FILE:Only 8% of the world’s currency exists as physical cash, the rest is electronic….!FACT-FILE:The average billionaire spends $25 million a year on food and entertainment, enough to feed 70,000 hungry people for a year…..!!! 

 

The balance between good and evil in some people is destroyed to such an extent that they need to hate something or someone all the time. my future Incredible Future.

 http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://pinterest.com/allanbard/

http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/ivanstoikov.allanbard, http:// http://www.allanbard.blogspot.com, http://www.allanbard.wordpress.com

http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4159102-ivan-stoikov-allan-bard, www.shelfari.com/allanbard

The Rocks Of Belogradchik – one of the wonders of the world.

There are amazing sights all over the world, so a small country like Bulgaria is no exception. The many photos of the rocks of Belogradtchik (in the north-west part of my country) are certain prove of that “rule”. I guess they are wondrous enough to be in the list with the greatest sights on Earth.

Unfortunately, they were not chosen to be amongst the new eighth wonders of the world, though it seems they were good enough to be under the protection of UNESCO after the voting for the new list of wonders was over. I hope all the people who could see and feel the beauty and magnificence in all the forms of nature would be glad these rocks will be kept safe for the future generations too. For more info about them have a look at: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Belogradchik_Rocks.

Actually, the weather was really bad for the spring time of the year the last time when I visited the amazing rocks with a good friend of mine. The entire place was covered with a thin layer of snow and there was fog (too thick at some spots) everywhere. Yet, that way some of my photos have the amazingly mysterious look of the ancient fairy-tales or myths and real historical events… That’s why I couldn’t refrain from posting them, as one could rarely see the magnificence and mysteriousness of the rocks while they were covered with fog and snow… More of them will appear soon at my flickr, facebook, pinterest profiles too.

  

 http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://pinterest.com/allanbard/

http://www.allanbard.blogspot.com, http://www.allanbard.wordpress.com

http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4159102-ivan-stoikov-allan-bard, www.shelfari.com/allanbard,   

http://www.flickr.com/photos/allanbard/

weekend jokes…;)

Via Rose Smith: Two rednecks were looking at a
Sears catalog and admiring the models. One says to the other,
‘Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?’
The second one replies, ‘Yes, they are very beautiful.
And look at the price!’

The first one says, with wide eyes, ‘Wow, they aren’t very expensive.
At this price, I’m buying one.’
The second one smiles and pats him on the back.
‘Good idea! Order one and if she’s as beautiful
as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.’

Three weeks later,
the youngest redneck asks his friend,
‘Did you ever receive the girl you ordered
from the Sears catalog?’

The second redneck replies……
‘No, but it shouldn’t be long now.
I got her clothes yesterday!’

Between sportsmen: “Why you didn’t take your 1st place when you had to receive your medal after you won the competition?” “I’m afraid of heights…”

 What is the expression sharks love to hear from us, people? “Man over board…”

And my crazy quote/thought from a book of mine: Looking at the ground could be the best way to find the best things from the sky…. my Space Hide & Seek/Space Ghosts.

http://www.allanbard.blogspot.com, http://www.allanbard.wordpress.com

http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4159102-ivan-stoikov-allan-bard, www.shelfari.com/allanbard,   

 http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://pinterest.com/allanbard/

Some interesting & important facts about animals and plants.

One of the basic rules of articles/posts/notes’ writing is that no author should write that way so that the potential readers would feel stupid and incompetent. Probably some people would be offended by this post/note of mine (if it shows their ignorance), but I hope even they would agree such info could help anyone to discover the wonders of our world, to correct some mistakes many of us do all the time, to change our opinion about the “nasty” or “scary” creatures we come across every day. Being graduated in biology, I couldn’t refrain from posting some of these facts, in brief (I use many similar in some of my books too):

Plants are living beings, so they do breathe as all the animals, though they “inhale” oxygen mostly in the daytime, and “exhale” carbon dioxide in the night.

Chickens are the most common birds in the world, not pigeons or sparrows, we could find them on almost every continent, not in the coldest places only.

Whales and dolphins are not fish, they are mammals and breathe air like every other terrestrial beings. The easiest way to distinguish such sea mammals from fish would be to have a look at their tails. All the modern sea mammals have horizontal tails, which are a perfect tool to dive and come out to the surface to breathe air. Fish’s tails are vertical.

To cut a worm in two pieces doesn’t make two worms, though the creature regenerates. The part with the end regenerates an end where it is cut, so soon after that it could not do all the vital things which keep it alive.

Just because crocodiles live most of the time in water doesn’t make them amphibians. They are reptiles, terrestrial beings that like water. The best way to find out which element of nature is primal for any species is to see where that species breed (so, crocodiles are terrestrial, frogs are amphibian).

Spiders are not insects, thought they are close-related. Insects are at a higher state of evolution, they have 6 legs, spiders have 8.

Birds hate to be touched and caressed, as that way we usually ruffle their feathers (it takes a lot of time to set them right, it seems). Yet, they all like to be touched and caressed on the head, there and then the feeling is similar to the one they feel when they scratch their heads with their claws.

 Plesiosaurs and pterodactyls are not dinosaurs, they belong to different groups, which are close to that of dinosaurs, yet not exactly the same.

The adult moths don’t eat our clothes, they don’t have a mouth or any digestive tract, their larvae are the ones who we have to blame…

All the mosquitoes that bite us and carry all those awful deceases are females; males eat nectar from flowers… etc.

 

http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://pinterest.com/allanbard/

http://www.allanbard.blogspot.com, http://www.allanbard.wordpress.com

http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4159102-ivan-stoikov-allan-bard, www.shelfari.com/allanbard,   

jokes after the middle of the week and before the weekend…;)

“We threw a lot of eggs at the politicians at the yesterday’s meeting…”

“But I’ve heard there were a lot of applause?”

“That was only when the eggs hit them…”

When they asked some teachers to name three reasons why they like their job, they all answered: “June, July and August…”

“Now what’s your excuse?” asked a teacher a schoolboy who was late for school again.

“I saw a lady who lost 100 $…”

“Oh, and you helped her to find them?”

“Not exactly… I stepped and stood on them until she left…”

What is trash for some people, maybe gold for others… from my future Incredible Future :). Have a nice rest of the week, everyone!

http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://pinterest.com/allanbard/

http://www.allanbard.blogspot.com, http://www.allanbard.wordpress.com

http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4159102-ivan-stoikov-allan-bard, www.shelfari.com/allanbard,   

Can worst criminals become sane and carrying people?

All our history is checkered with disgusting crimes of murder, torture, rapes, etc. That’s why some of the killers and criminals responsible for these dreadful events became so famous with their illegal actions that probably many real celebrities envied them for their notoriety.

On the other hand, a lot of other innocent men, women and children, who experienced such crimes, couldn’t sleep well for week, years, or until the end of their days because of these vile acts (if they survived the worst criminals’ way to earn their living). Most of these victims would always claim the disgusting people who caused them so much trouble and pain must endure the most severe punishments. The poor sufferers would underline the guilty for their inevitable situation deserve such a fate, no matter whether they repented themselves of their previous sins or of what made them ruin many innocent citizens and villagers’ future. Of course, after the horrible events from their past, the innocent victims have every right to think that way (criminals like the pedophile who a couple of years ago raped and after that killed a six year old girl in Bulgaria deserve the nastiest, most extreme and merciless end). Yet, it doesn’t mean many of the sentenced criminals couldn’t regret for their dreadful crimes in the future. Of course, this shouldn’t be considered a good excuse for the total remission of their sins and punishments. Though it should take its place amongst the reasons why, if not all, then many (or most) of the horrible gangsters and murderers could really change their frame of mind, behaviour, way of life, etc for better…

“Deep down even the most hardened criminal is starving for the same thing that motivates the innocent baby: Love and acceptance.”This quote of Lily Fairchilde made me become more wrapped in this subject and remember some details about some of the horrible outlaws’ past and deeds. The same details probably helped the one who said this sentence to realize the truth in such a statement. Many of the sentenced or still free criminals have good families, carrying wives, children who have the best education possible, their friends enjoy many benefits such not-perfect but wealthy persons could offer, etc… I guess people who have kind thoughts like these together with the enormous striving for the so called “greatness” in the crimes’ world are capable of turning into something like decent human beings? If the will is there on their part, of course…

It’s a well-known fact that every fact (scientific or any other) and rule have their exceptions. So, there certainly are such gangsters and all other types of criminals (including politicians) who wouldn’t change their behaviour and way of life even for all the gold in the world. If there is such an offer, I even bet some of them would gladly take the enormous quantity of precious metal and would continue with their disgusting deeds, even more than before (when Al Capone was killing people for example, he had such a brain waves’ picture as the vicious predators in the animal world when they try to “earn their living”… Probably only death could put an end to such a way of thinking and life…).

The subject of the changes that the worst criminals could go through is so vast that anyone could write a novel about it I guess. But a blog post/note like this should just point out some basic facts and details and leave enough space for comments? Which complete the author’s thoughts and opinion?

http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://pinterest.com/allanbard/

http://www.allanbard.blogspot.com, http://www.allanbard.wordpress.com

http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4159102-ivan-stoikov-allan-bard, www.shelfari.com/allanbard

middle of the week jokes, everyone :)! some not too good for kids though…

I hope some of my friends from facebook will like to see some of the jokes they shared at the site here too : 

 

Via Joe O’connell: a little boy in the drugstore with his dad, suddenly creates a fuss, he wants a chocolate Easter Bunny. finally his father gives him one but the boy has a temper storm. he wants a male Easter bunny. the druggist and the father try to tell the boy it doesn’t make any difference, with that the boy holds up his little finger, and says there’s that much more chocolate…

Via Lynne Pentney: I was at the post office, when I see a blond woman shouting into an envelope. I asked, “What are you doing?” The blond replied,”Sending a voice mail…”

 

“Is it true that after the divorce you still live with your esx-wife?” a man asked his friend. 

“Yes…”

“So, is your life better now?”

“Not at all… The only difference is that when we quarrel and she throws dishes at me, she hits me every time…”

 

 Too much striving for cleaning leads to a dirty mind… my future Incredible Future.

http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://pinterest.com/allanbard/

http://www.allanbard.blogspot.com, http://www.allanbard.wordpress.com

http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4159102-ivan-stoikov-allan-bard, www.shelfari.com/allanbard,