Posts Tagged ‘April’s Fool Day’

some jokes for the beginning of May ;)

May 3, 2014

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Via Bill Koller: An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels .
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, ‘No … not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.

 

New thief prisoner enters in his cell: “Why you put these bars on the windows?” the thief asks the warder. “Because of security…” answers the wader. “You are insane! Who will try to enter and steal something from the prison???

Via Mari Eta: Preparing for a hunt, a father took his son’s cigarettes… Until afternoon, he had already shot a dragon, 3 mermaids and 2 trolls…

 

Plus a new thought from a book of mine:

Have a nice May, everyone :)!

http://www.allanbard.blogspot.com, http://www.allanbard.wordpress.com

http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4159102-ivan-stoikov-allan-bard,

www.shelfari.com/allanbard,

http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://pinterest.com/allanbard/

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some jokes for the new week…:)

June 4, 2013
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Hope my new dose of jokes will help many people start a good week 🙂
Via Georgi Chase: “Why can’t you play games in the jungle?

Because there’s always gonna be a cheetah..”

 A few priests complain to one another: “I have so  many rats in my church…” says the 1st. “I tried to chase them away with poison but it didn’t work at all…”
“There are even more in my church too,” sighs the 2nd. “I tried to set them on fire but they are still there…”
“Well, I tried your methods too,” says the 3rd. “And when they didn’t work either, I just made them my parishioners… So, now they are nowhere to be seen in my church…”
And some interesting facts some guys would consider funny, but I guess the 2nd one is scary too: Via Sanjay Shukla: FACT-FILE:Only 8% of the world’s currency exists as physical cash, the rest is electronic….!FACT-FILE:The average billionaire spends $25 million a year on food and entertainment, enough to feed 70,000 hungry people for a year…..!!! 
 
The balance between good and evil in some people is destroyed to such an extent that they need to hate something or someone all the time. my future Incredible Future.

 http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://pinterest.com/allanbard/

http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/ivanstoikov.allanbard, http:// http://www.allanbard.blogspot.com, http://www.allanbard.wordpress.com

http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4159102-ivan-stoikov-allan-bard, www.shelfari.com/allanbard

weekend jokes…;)

May 11, 2013
ImageVia Rose Smith: Two rednecks were looking at a
Sears catalog and admiring the models. One says to the other,
‘Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?’
The second one replies, ‘Yes, they are very beautiful.
And look at the price!’

The first one says, with wide eyes, ‘Wow, they aren’t very expensive.
At this price, I’m buying one.’
The second one smiles and pats him on the back.
‘Good idea! Order one and if she’s as beautiful
as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.’

Three weeks later,
the youngest redneck asks his friend,
‘Did you ever receive the girl you ordered
from the Sears catalog?’

The second redneck replies……
‘No, but it shouldn’t be long now.
I got her clothes yesterday!’

Between sportsmen: “Why you didn’t take your 1st place when you had to receive your medal after you won the competition?” “I’m afraid of heights…”
 What is the expression sharks love to hear from us, people? “Man over board…”
And my crazy quote/thought from a book of mine: Looking at the ground could be the best way to find the best things from the sky…. my Space Hide & Seek/Space Ghosts.

http://www.allanbard.blogspot.com, http://www.allanbard.wordpress.com

http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4159102-ivan-stoikov-allan-bard, www.shelfari.com/allanbard,   

 http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://pinterest.com/allanbard/

jokes after the middle of the week and before the weekend…;)

April 25, 2013

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“We threw a lot of eggs at the politicians at the yesterday’s meeting…”

“But I’ve heard there were a lot of applause?”

“That was only when the eggs hit them…”

When they asked some teachers to name three reasons why they like their job, they all answered: “June, July and August…”

“Now what’s your excuse?” asked a teacher a schoolboy who was late for school again.

“I saw a lady who lost 100 $…”

“Oh, and you helped her to find them?”

“Not exactly… I stepped and stood on them until she left…”

What is trash for some people, maybe gold for others… from my future Incredible Future :). Have a nice rest of the week, everyone!

http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://pinterest.com/allanbard/

http://www.allanbard.blogspot.com, http://www.allanbard.wordpress.com

http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4159102-ivan-stoikov-allan-bard, www.shelfari.com/allanbard,   

Happy April’s Fool Day, everyone :)!

April 1, 2013
mother.pigeonHappy April’s Fool day, everyone! Hope your lies/pranks were/are/will be better and more than those of the other who try to lie and make a fun of you…:). Anyway, a few good jokes could make the day perfect even for the victims of the others’ pranks and lies:
THE POLISH DIVORCE -(Joke shared by Avinash Kamat)

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.

One day he rushed into a lawyer’s office
and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances,
and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don’t think you understand.
Does either of you have a real grudge?

No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.
She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.

I can read English pretty good, and it say:

…POLISH REMOVER..!!

“Your weight is not compatible with your height” said a diet expert to a fat guy. “You see now,” the fat guy said to his friends. “I’m tall, not fat!!!”
All the kids have imaginary friends, only those who train martial arts have imaginary enemies… from my future Kids’ Funny Business, or Space Parasites.

http://www.shelfari.com/allanbard,myspace.com/ivan_allanbard, http://www.facebook.com/ivanstoikov.allanbard, ,

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http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html,http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://allanbard.hit.bg,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI,http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew,

middle of the week’s jokes…;)

November 28, 2012

In a chat room: “Probably you are very beautiful?”

“Oh, thank you! Why do you think so ;)?”

“Well, it’s the only way for nature to compensate such a stupidity…”

 

Why blonde women throw crumbs in the lavatory pan? To feed the toilet duck…

 

A drug addict enters in a church and starts to blow the candles. “What are you doing?!” asks a priest.

“What do you mean what? I have a birthday today…”

 

Future could bring not only new, better improvements, useful gadgets, or perfect medicines, etc. There would also be a lot of crazy and insane decisions and choices… like the one to sue yourself from the past for being lazy, bully, or not shrewd enough… my The Origin Of Gods, probably :).

 

http:// http://www.allanbard.blogspot.com, http://www.allanbard.wordpress.com

http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4159102-ivan-stoikov-allan-bard, www.shelfari.com/allanbard,

http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://pinterest.com/allanbard/

middle of the week’s jokes…:)…

November 8, 2012

hope some blonde women won’t be too mad at some of my posted jokes… They are just jokes, it doesn’t mean they should be 100 % true… I know blondes who are much more intelligent than some brunettes…

A blonde woman asked her friend: “Why all the men I date are not clean shaven?”
“Well, have you tried not to be late for your dates?”

A mother was frustrated with her daughter and asked her: “Do you know what happens to the young girls who don’t eat their breakfast?”
“Sure I do!” said the girl right away. “They become models…”

During a math class the teacher announced to the students: “If these of you who sit in front stop fighting, the school-boys and girls in the middle will be able to read their comic-books, so that those at the back seats could sleep peacefully…”

Reading between the lines is useful, it doesn’t tire the eyes… Sasha Gitry.

One of the biggest problems men could come across is that helping some people could lead to a lot of trouble for others… my future Incredible Future.
Happy 165th birthday to Bram Stoker, BTW! Thank you for the gripping, scary, inspirational stories! Let the wonderful noise of the sea always sounds in your ears! (as my water dragons’ hunters would say).

http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew
http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/ivanstoikov.allanbard, http:// http://www.allanbard.blogspot.com, http://www.allanbard.wordpress.com
http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4159102-ivan-stoikov-allan-bard, www.shelfari.com/allanbard,

 

some jokes for the weekend ;)…

September 29, 2012

In the middle of a class the teacher told the young John to stand up.
“But I didn’t do anything wrong!” the boy was surprised.
“I know,” said the teacher. “I just can’t stand to see the face of Steve behind you…”

 

 “Why you came so late last night?” the father asks his teenage daughter.

“I was attending lectures at the university…”

“Until 2 o’clock in the night???”

“Well, the professor was stuttering…”

 

  A farmer caught some thieves in his fields to steal turnips: “Now I caught you stealing, let’s see what the police will do…”

“No way! we don’t steal anything, we just help you by pulling the turnips to grow faster…”

Evolution could be really interesting sometimes… So, in the future werewolves wouldn’t change their appearances but only their serious frame of minds, attitude, wise thoughts… And they wouldn’t be able to infect anyone by a bloody bite, but by a good licking, a kiss, or making you laugh at their jokes… my future Incredible Future.

Have a great weekend, everyone :)!

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http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4159102-ivan-stoikov-allan-bard, www.shelfari.com/allanbard,

www.allanbard.blogspot.com

http://www.flickr.com/photos/allanbard/,

http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew

some middle of the week’s jokes, and some not too appropriate for kids…;)

May 3, 2012
Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to piss. One says your thing doesn’t have any skin on it. I’ve been circumcised the other replied. whats that mean ? It means they cut the skin off the end. how old were you when it was cut off. my mom says i was two days old. did it hurt the kid asked . you bet it hurt i didn’t walk for a year…
A priest, a rabbi and a Muslim are talking about the power their Gods have:
“Yesterday some colleagues and me were walking in the forest when suddenly a heavy rain fell down…” said the priest. “It was so awful that we could drown… Yet, we prayed to Jesus and He did a great miracle – on the left there was a heavy rain, on the right too, and in the middle the sun appeared and came home safe and sound!”
“That’s nothing!” the Muslim replied. “A week ago we were walking in the desert when an awful sand storm caught us… Then, we prayed to Allah and an amazing miracle happened! On the left the storm was raging, on the right too, but in the middle the weather was cloudless and sunny and could get home happy as larks!”
“Yet, what happened to me is much more profound!” said the rabbi. “A couple of days ago, on Sunday my colleagues and me found a purse full of money on the street… But we couldn’t even touch it on this day, so we prayed to God, and a miracle happened! On the left it was Sunday, on the right too, and in the middle – Thursday!!!”
“Oh, my God! I have twins!” a father in the hospital is in awe. “No, sir, it’s one baby…” says the nurse. “And next time don’t drink before you come in the hospital…”

What’s the difference between the good and bad student? The good student studies a lot, but the time is short so he/she knows well 28 out of 30 themes… Then, he/she draws the 2 themes he/she doesn’t know and becomes mad he/she didn’t study more… The bad student studies little, and knows only 3 of his/hers 30 themes. Then, he/she draws 2 of these he/she knows and becomes mad he/she studied for the 3rd… the last is actually from my next Kids’ Funny Business ;).

 http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/ivanstoikov.allanbard, http:// http://www.allanbard.blogspot.com, http://www.allanbard.wordpress.com

happy April’s Fool Day! :):):)

April 1, 2012

Do you know some of the favourite characters from Russian fairy-tales:
Grandmother Yaga – a famous witch, likes to kidnap and eat small kids.
Kastchei The Immortal, immortal being something like a vampire.
Leshii, something like a zombie, and the 3 headed dragon…
Grandma Yaga brewed a good vodka and called the 3 headed dragon: “Hey, 3 headed, I made a great vodka, so come over to drink it!”
“No, Grandma Yaga, we with Kastchei The Immortal drank a lot yesterday and all my heads hurt…”
Then, the old lady called Kastchei: “Come quickly, I made a great vodka!”
“No, Grandma Yaga, we with the 3 headed dragon drunk so much yesterday that now I wish I wasn’t immortal…”
Finally, she called Leshii and he was in awe with the idea. So, Grandma Yaga when out of her house to wait for her guest. Soon he appeared running, but he fell down at every 5 steps, then got up and after 5 steps fell down again and so on…
“Why you fall down every 5 steps?” the old lady asked him.
“Well, when I remember what a good vodka you made, I run to drink it as soon as possible…” replied Leshii. “But when I remember that after that you’ll want to have sex with me, I loose consciousness…” 🙂

An advertisement in a newspaper: I’m looking to marry an intelligent, carrying man, non-smoker, who doesn’t drink, loves kids… Well, there’s a 100% discount for billionaires…

A small boy asked his grandpa: Could you give me 1000 $ from your pension? I’ll give it back from mine… ;).

Have a great April’s Fool Day, everyone! Don’t let be fooled too easy…;)
The best way to find/know a mermaid (even an ex-one) is to see whether her hair gets wet… That’s the most certain evidence! my Tale Of The Rock Pieces.

http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/ivanstoikov.allanbard, http:// http://www.allanbard.blogspot.com,